I of course run into you… With the ex that used to emotionally, mentally, and physically abuse you.. The one you told me ohhhhh so much about.. Like him showing your nudes to all your coworkers…
And I can’t help but feel like all of the advice and positivity and love and affection I put into our time together was a complete waste…
I still have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.. I showed you respect.. I showed you honesty.. I showed you the nature of my very being, and an indescribable love…
So as much as I feel like a bit of a failure, I’m not. I did everything in my power to try and be legit. I recognize that there’s nothing I could have done or been without trying to be someone other than MYSELF. And I’ll never allow myself to feel like a failure for being exactly who I am…
I’m a fucking great person.. And I deserve someone that will love and respect themselves the way I’m learning to love and respect myself.
Already I no longer get that tightness in my chest and my stomach dropping at the sight of you.. I also no longer hold the hurt you gave me. I can smile and wish you well, and that’s something beautiful.
SERIOUSLY BE NICE TO YOUR ANIMALS BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU DESERVE AND MORE THAN ANY HUMAN EVER WILL
My beautiful Ifugao headhunting trophy. The picture does absolutely no justice
I’ve just realized how lucky I am that you never once even considered saying “I love you too…”.
I never would have found this path precisely when I needed it most.. I’d still be anxious and worried and all those other negative feelings I felt while with you.
And for making me break when I was already cracked, I thank you.
I’ll still love you endlessly… But only now I realize for what reason.
Now I can learn to love myself with all the intensity and ferocity that was once available to you… And as much as I wish you knew the depth of that statement, I understand that all this time that love was meant for me… I was just too wrapped up in escaping from myself to notice.
big butt problems.
My initial foray into the abyss that is myself has been majorly fruitful… My therapist couldn’t be a better fit as far as I’m concerned… Though I’m sure he’ll have a book to write after me. I can’t remember the last time my existence has been described as “interesting and enthralling”, but I left feeling like I was actually supported and heard for once… As if, I do have my issues that can definitely influence my relationships… However, I AM NOT the issue..
He thought it rather sad and tragic that I have the ability to give of myself so openly and honestly, and I do… Endlessly….. But my vulnerability has fallen into the hands of those that couldn’t or wouldn’t respect it… Much less nurture it.
This further reinforces my belief in needing to be alone for awhile… I’ve damn near always taken on “fixer upper” girlfriends… Back to back to back… In some vain attempt at trying to avoid dealing with myself..
Well.. Now it really is about me for once…
And today is the first day I didn’t once want to end myself in over a decade….
I really believe in me.
In what I know I am.
In my potential.
And I’m EXCITED to keep digging.. Pain aside, this will be easier than kicking heroin and morphine..
And if nothing else, my “all in” attitude will push for success, lest I fly too close to the sun..
Tomorrow morning is going to be hard… But it’s the first step to finding out who I am. For better or worse, at least I’m really trying this time. I’ve beat addiction, survived innumerable toxic relationships, survived a few brushes with death… Yet looking inside myself scares me more than any of that.. Wish me luck with the demons